Everything Snows!
by quisty8616
Summary: A parody of Cole Porter's classic, Anything Goes. The gang accidentally steers the ship to the North Pole hence the title and drunken hilarity ensues. Seagulls! Innuendos and wild oat sowing! Billy Joel and Paul McCartney cameos!
1. Act 1, Scene 1 You're the Shiz

_I finally posted it! A friend of mine and I wrote this while our school was doing "Footloose" last year. We were angry at our small parts and decided to parody "Footloose", which then expanded to "Everything Snows" afterward! I hope y'all enjoy it; it was fun writing it! Please Read and Review!_

_PS I do not own any of the characters, plot or music for this show. Don't sue me; I'm just a poor college student!_

_If you know the show already, you can skip this. Type the word "Victorian" into your CTRL+F to jump to the first act. Otherwise, read on for the_

_**CAST LIST** (order of appearance):_

_Chorus: All that and a bag of chips. Sorely underappreciated.  
_

_Moonface Martin: A gangster. Rather dim.  
_

_Bonnie: Moon's girlfriend. Cute and sassy, just like a gangster's moll oughta be._

_Bishop: A bishop. _

_Chinese: Ching and Ling. Recent converts of the Bishop, though their "conversion" is rather questionable._

_Reno Sweeney and her Angels: "Sexy" is really the best word to describe her character and her occupation. The Angels are her sexy wing-women.  
_

_Hope Harcourt: A debutante.  
_

_Mrs. Harcourt: Hope's mom. Kind of weird....  
_

_Evelyn Oakleigh: Hope's fiancee. British. Ditzy  
_

_Billy Crocker: All-American. Once dated Hope for about twelve hours. Works for a stockbroker. _

**Everything Snows!**

_(Chorus enters from audience in Victorian-style gowns and suits. They go up onstage and look around at the blank stage.)_

Man 1:Where's the ship?

Woman 1:Yeah. I thought we're sailing to New York from this, our beloved England!

All:Pip pip, cheerio! _(Whip out teacups and drink simultaneously, on cue)_

Moon: _(in 30's gangster outfit)_ Wow, I hope no one notices me in my totally unassuming 30's zoot suit in this, the great 1930's! _(Looks around)_ Hey! Why aren't we all dressed in 30's outfits? What'd I miss?

Chorus:_(grumble and look down at their inaccurate clothing. All slowly wander offstage, fuming at the absence of ship and costume error)_

Bonnie:_(enters carrying a violin case)_ Moonie! What're you doing here? If they catch you on the boat, they'll throw you in jail!

Moon:_(gestures to empty stage) _What boat? _(deafening fog horn sounds)_ Oh, there it is. My ears are ringing!

Bonnie:_(throws the violin case at him)_ Here! Quit goofing around and take the gun! You'd better hide before they find you!

Moon:Gah! Gun! No way! You take it! _(tosses it back to Bonnie)_

Bonnie:_(throws it back)_ Nuh-uh! It's your gun! _(the game of hot potato continues until the Bishop enters, dressed in full costume, like the Pope.)_

Bishop:Hail, my children! God's blessings on all of you! _(crosses himself. Bonnie and Moon stare open-mouthed)_

Moon:Bonnie, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Bonnie:Dunno. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Moon:Maybe. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Bonnie:All right, that's enough of that crap! We're both thinkin' of jumping the priest and stealing his clothes!

Moon:Really? I was thinkin' of the gun. Here, you take it!

Bonnie:Shut up and jump him!

Moon:_(takes the priest by the arm) _Hey, how you doin' today? Say, I got somethin' to show ya. Omigod! Look over there!

Bishop:_(freaking out)_ God! Where? Where? _(Moon hits him on the head with a shoe. He passes out cold and Moon picks up his hat.)_

Moon:Looks good on me, eh, Bonnie? I bet you ten cents this'll be the new gangster fad by next year!

Bonnie: Ten cents? Too rich for my blood. I could buy a car for that!

Moon:Your loss! _(parades around like a model. Bonnie slaps her forehead)_

Chinese:We are Chi-a-nese if you please! Where is the Bish?

Moon:Uh, right here!

Ching:You no Bish! You a fat ugly Bish wannabe.

Ling:Word!

Moon:Why, I oughta!

Bonnie:_(grabs his arms)_ C'mon! Someone's coming! Let's go! _(They exit as Moon makes a threatening gesture to the Chinese. They bow cluelessly.)_

_(Reno, Angels, and a gaggle of Reporters enter)_

Reporter 1:Reno! I hear you're getting married! Is it true?

Reno:Hell, no! You think I'd get married with a body like mine? _(shimmies and Reporters snap pictures)_

Reporter 2:Reno! Reno! Pick me! Ooo-ooo! Pick me! _(raises his hand and waves it frantically)_

Reno:All right, you.

Reporter 2:Yippie! Okay, I hear you and your Angels are sluts. True or not?

Angels:_(wiggle hips seductively)_

Reno:_(watches them)_ What do you think?

_(Mrs. Harcourt, Hope, and Evelyn enter)_

Hope: Mom, I can't wait to get to New York! I'm going shopping the minute we're off the boat!

Mrs. H:Honey, you already maxed out your cards. We're broke!

Evie:No problem, Mater! I've got enough for everybody! _(takes out handfuls of credit cards and throws them like flowers) _Free money for everyone!

Angel 1:You think he's rich?

Reno:With a name like Evelyn, what else could he be?

Angel 2:Poor?

Angel 3:Naïve?

Angel 4:Engaged?

Reno:Maybe, but I'm still attracted to him! Let's go find the bar and work on our game plan. _(Angels go "Hoo!" and do the shoulder slam thing like football players and all exit)_

Ching:You like what's going on?

Ling:No clue. Let's go find Bish. _(exit, walking right past the Bishop's unconscious body on the floor)_

Hope:So, Evie. I guess…we're engaged, huh?

Evie:Engaged! Oh, I love your wacky American slang! Hang on! _(writes in a notebook)_ Today, Hope said "engaged"! Oh, gosh! It's so funny!

Hope: Anyway, wanna buy me a 30-karat engagement ring? I saw the cutest one at Tiffany's and…_(freezes as Billy and Mr. Whitney enter)_

Whitney:Billy! Get me 20,000 shares of Enron! It's gonna be big! Then get me my passport, my suitcase and a mocha latte!

Billy:Sir, what's a mocha latte?

Whitney:What's a…Dammit, you're fired! _(stalks offstage)_ Where's the goddamn bar? I need to get smashed!

Billy: Oh. I'm fired…oh well! _(throws pen and notebook in the air and frolics in a circle like a little girl)_

Hope:_(unfreezing) (aside)_ Who's that hottie over there? Oh, God! That's Billy…Billy…Billy What's-his-face! He's my true love! I know because I spent 12 hours in a taxicab with him once! Oh, man, this is a tough decision. _(points to Evie)_ On one hand, I've got money. _(points to Billy)_ On the other hand, I've got true, undying love! Oh, what's a girl to do?

Evie:A diamond ring? Cor, honey, I'll buy you thirty rings! What's $100,000 between fiancées? _(laughs cheesily and exits with Mrs. H., who has been admiring her fur coat this entire time)_

Hope:Billy! What are you doing here?

Billy:Well, I was working, but now I'm unemployed. Hey. Wanna get a taxicab with me? _(rises eyebrows seductively)_

Hope:Weeeeell,…_(really thinking about it)_ Uh, I can't. My boat's leaving soon.

Billy:What boat? This is an empty stage! _(Someone throws a life preserver on from offstage. It hits Billy on the head)_ oh, I see. _(looks at the preserver)_ We ARE on a boat! How about that? Hey, I got an idea. I'll come with you!

Hope:No, Billy, that's a bad idea. There's…kind of something in the way.

Billy:What! You mean you don't love me anymore? What about all the good times we had? The taxicab! The…gorgeous nights in Bermuda!

Hope:Dude, I've never been to Bermuda. I've only known you for 12 hours! Total! And yet, I still know we were meant to be! _(melodramatic)_ Oh, my love!

Billy:My heart! Kiss me!

Evie:_(enters in a pirate costume)_ Hope, dear! Where are you? _(Hope and Billy jump apart guiltily and Evie sees them)_ Ah, there you are! Come on, Hopie! There's a pirate party in the bar and we're chugging expensive champagne like it's water! _(notices Billy for the first time)_ Here now, who's this charming lad?

Billy:I'm Billy What's-his-face. Who the hell are you?

Evie:Why, I'm Evelyn Whatchamacallit! Hope's fiancée! I say, would you care to join us at the pirate party? First 100 guests get a free peg leg! Argh! _(exits with Hope following)_

Billy:Hope! You'd rather marry Captain Pirate Dweeb with a girl's name than me? Why?

Hope:_(desperately)_ But he's got money! Oh, Billy! I just don't know! _(runs offstage crying hysterically)_

Billy:Aw, man!

_(Reno enters, wearing a pirate hat)_

Reno:Hey, I know you! You're Billy What's-his-face! How the heck are ya, Billy?

Billy:Not so hot, Reno. My boss fired me, I have no money, and my girlfriend of 12 hours is marrying some rich dorkwad.

Reno:You mean that sexy British guy?

Billy:That's him.

Reno:Your girlfriend can't have him! He's mine! _(mutters darkly to herself, then notices Billy is watching her warily. She beams brightly)_ Yeah, that's awful, Billy! Hey! I know exactly what'll cheer you up! How about a song? You sing first!

Billy:Aw, I don't wanna!

Reno:Sing, dammit!

"You're the Shiz"

Billy:I'm kind of a crappy singer, but you're making me sing, so don't blame me if I shatter all the glass on the staaaaaaage!

You're the shiz! I think you're way cooler than I am cuz I suck and you're the shiz! _(they dance)_

Reno:What's "the shiz"?

Billy:Beats me! _(they dance)_

Reno:You're really a godawful singer, but since you're flattering me, I'll be nice. Actually, I suck and you're the shiz! Not really, but let's pretend!

Both:I suck and you're the shiz! 

_(foghorn blows again)_

Reno:Hey, Billy! Come with me! You can be my manager!

Billy:You mean your pimp?

Reno:Naw, I've already got one of those! Let's go!

_(Chorus enters dressed in 1950's outfits: poodle skirts, leather jackets, and saddle shoes. All begin to dance)_

Sailor 1:Hey, who's the dead guy? _(pointing to Bish, still unconscious on the floor)_

Bish:_(wakes up)_ I'm not dead!

Sailor 2:No idea.

Bish:I'm the Bishop of the Church of St. Brunhilda!

Sailor 1:If he's dead, let's throw him over the side.

Bish:I'm not dead! Yet.

Sailor 2:Okay. _(they pick him up and heave him over the "side of the ship", a.k.a. the pit)_

Bish:_(in the pit) _I can't swim! Splutter splutter!

Sailor 3:Oh, you guys. That dude was still alive.

Sailors 1 &2:Oops.

3 Sailors:Oh, well. _(Sailor 2 throws a life preserver into the pit and all join the crowd)_

Chinese:_(run to side of ship, look at each other and shrug)_

Ling:Bish is gone. What now?

Ching:We on our own. _(both do complicated high-five and run off to the bar)_

"Bon Voyage"

Chorus:Time for Franglish!

Mrs. H.:Franglais!

Chorus:We're all sailing away on this nonexistent ship with a very real bar!

Mrs. H.:Le drink-stationne!

Chorus :So let's all get drunk and stuuuuuuuff!

Mrs. H.:Le tipsy!

Hope:Why is the chorus dressed like _Grease_?

Mrs. H.:L'inaccurate!

_(Chorus glares daggers at the leads and stalk offstage mumbling about ways to kill the leads)(lights go black and come back up on a new scene)_


	2. Act 1, Scene 2 Delovely

_Okay, I'm posting these as separate scenes, so some of them will be very short. If I post a short one, I'll post more than just one. Yay! Please R&R!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Anything Goes, characters or music or whatever else is copyrighted._

**Scene 2**

Hope:_(comes out in a VERY low-cut dress, Evie following in scarlet smoking jacket)_ Ah, what a lovely evening! The light is perfect for me to admire my new jewelry. _(holds up her hand, which is literally encrusted with jewels)_

Evie:I'm glad you like them, Hopie.

Billy:_(enters and sees Evie. He smiles connivingly)_ Hello, Hope. Hello, Caroline.

Evie:Oh, me? I'm Evelyn.

Billy:Whatever. Same difference.

Evie:"Same difference"! It's classic! Oh, you wacky Americans! _(writes in notebook)_ Today, some poor kid said "same difference"! Ahahaha _(wipes away a tear)_

Billy:So Hope. What say we ditch the stiff and find a taxi?

Hope:Billy, we're in the middle of the ocean. Where would we find a taxi?

Billy:Okay, so how about a lifeboat?

Hope:Billy, must you always think about sex?

Evie:Hey, chaps! What's going on?

Billy:Hey, not much, Christy! Look at how choppy the water is? Makes you wanna PUKE, huh?

Evie:_(suddenly nauseous)_ Now that you mention it…_(leans over to throw up and falls overboard. His foot gets stuck on the rail and he's stuck dangling over the side_) Uh, a little help here!

"De-lovely"

Billy:Hope, it's so nice out here, its almost de-lovely!

Hope:De-what?

Billy:It's so de-lovely, we should get de-married!

Hope:De-lovely? That's not even a word! Have you been doing opium?

Billy:Yes, but that's not the point. We should get de-married and we'll be de-happy forever and ever!

Hope:You can't just add de- to words and expect me to be impressed.

Billy:Just play along, de-dammit!

Hope:Oh, Billy! I de-love you! _(they kiss)_

Evie:Hello? Can I get a hand here? I'm over. The edge. It's kind of uncomfortable! Hello?


	3. Act 1, Scene 3 The Lost Scene

_This is where our parody began to take on a life of its own. Oh my…_

_Disclaimer still applies!_

**Scene 3 The Lost Scene**

Captain:_(wearing a pirate hat and talking to a stuffed parrot)_ Oh, that pirate party was great last night! I can't wait for the costume party tonight. Right, Captain Scurvy?

1st Mate:Captain, do you want the morning report?

Captain:_(as Capt. Scurvy)_ Fire away! Rawk!

1st Mate:_(kind of scared)_ Okay, I've received word that Snake Eyes Johnson is onboard.

Captain:Public Enemy Number One? Holy crap!

1st Mate:And some other gangster is onboard, but nobody really cares about him.

Captain:What's his name?

Moon:Moonface Martin!

1st Mate:Yeah, that's it. Oh, hello Bishop!

Moon:_(still wearing the Bishop's hat with a pinstripe suit and a Tommy gun under his arm)_ So this Snake-Eyes, what're you going to do to him when you catch him?

1st Mate:Arrest him, of course!

Captain:And hang him upside down by his toes!

1st Mate:And pelt him with rotten fruit!

Captain:And tomatoes!

1st Mate:And lash him with a wet noodle!

Captain:And hit him with heavy textbooks!

1st Mate:And dunk him headfirst in grape Kool-Aid!

Capt. Scurvy:Rawk! What's Kool-Aid?

Moon:Kool-Aid! I don't know what that is, but it sounds like Hell! And I should know! _(points emphatically to the Bish's hat. Captain and 1st Mate nod emphatically) (aside)_ I've got to stop the boat before these crazies dunk me in _(shudders)_ Kool-Aid!

1st Mate:Who are you talking to?

Moon:For crying out loud, man! This is an aside! You can't hear me!

1st Mate:Oh, sorry.

Moon:Hey, you know what'd be great? If you guys left the room so I could change the course of the ship.

Captain:Yeah! That's a great idea! Come on, mate!

1st Mate:Umm, sir?

Captain:_(glares at the 1st Mate)_ March, mister! Captain Scurvy says so! _(They exit. Moon rubs his hands together greedily)_

Moon: And now to change the direction of the ship. Let's see, _(points in random directions)_ West, far west, north-south, and, um…um…ah, who cares. Let's just turn it a little this way…_(turns the captain's wheel. A lot. )_ There! That oughta do it! _(walks away, whistling)_


	4. Act 1, Scene 4 Glasses and Seagulls

**Everything Snows – Act 1 (in case you've forgotten)**

**Scene 4**

Bonnie:Moonie! Rise and shine!

Moon:Dammit, Bonnie! It's too early! What time is it?

1st Mate:Breakfast time.

Moon:Oo! Food! _(jumps out of bed wearing footie pajamas with Tommy guns and black fedoras on them.)_

1st Mate:Dude, you don't have to get out of bed for breakfast.

Moon:No freakin' way! That's amazing! Breakfast in bed! What kind of genius invented that! _(jumps back into bed and hides under the covers like a little kid. The 1st Mate is seriously weirded out)_

1st Mate: You look familiar. Like some gangster or something…

Moon: _(quickly puts on the Bish's hat)_ No, I don't.

1st Mate:You're right, Father. My mistake.

Billy:_(enters, his shirt and hair a mess)_ Oh, what a night!

Moon:Hey, where did you come from?

Billy:We're roommates, remember?

Moon:_(assumes flashback position as other people in scene freeze and lights change colors)_ Hey, man! I don't know you, but you can room with my girlfriend and me!

Billy:Thanks! _(lights go back to normal)_

Moon:Oh, yeah! I remember now. _(begins playing with his food as the 1st Mate excuses himself and bolts for safety)_

Bonnie:Where were you, Billy? I waited _all_ night!

Billy:I was in a lifeboat…uh…checking the…uh, safety stuff. Yeah, that's it!

Bonnie:So, are you a sailor? I love sailors. _(bats eyelashes suggestively)_

Billy:Nope.

Bonnie:_(disappointed)_ Oh. I like preachers, too. Just not as much as sailors. I'm gonna go find one now. _(runs offstage)_

Billy:Do you hear something?

Moon:I don't hear anything.

Billy:My Billy senses are tingling! My ex-boss is next door! _(sniffs air)_ I can feel it!

Moon:_(checks next door)_ There's a drunk guy next door. Is your boss drunk?

Billy:If only I had gotten him a mocha thingamajig! He'll see me and know I'm not supposed to be here! Then he'll turn me in! I don't want to go to jail! _(wails and sucks his thumb)_

Moon:Jail…equals Kool-Aid! _(shudders)_ Billy, would it help if I steal his glasses?

Billy:Yes.

Moon:All right, then. _(goes into Whitney's room. Whitney is dressed in a pirate costume with patches over both eyes and a peg leg)_

Whitney:Holy New York Stock Exchange, my head is pounding! That's the last time I mix vodka, Tequila, beer, amphetamines, Tic Tacs and orange juice!

Moon:What's going on, Mr. Stock Broker Guy?

Whitney:The name's Eli Whitney and I've got a massive hangover. My eyeballs feel like they're about to explode!

Moon:Aw, that's too bad. Say, do you have your glasses with you, by any chance?

Whitney:Yeah. Why? _(points vaguely to them and knocks an expensive vase on the floor)_ Oops.

Moon:_(snatches up the glasses and stomps them to shards)_

Whitney:What was that?

Moon:Uh, a seagull. Yeah, that's it!

Whitney:Okay. It sounded like my glasses shattering into a thousand unrepairable pieces. But as long as it was just a seagull, okay. _(stands up, then collapses into a painful heap on the floor)_ Oh, that's not good! _(SFX: breaking glass)_

Moon:Hey, I've got a great hangover cure; you want it?

Whitney:Yes! Hey, wait…aren't you the Bishop?

Moon:_(defensively) _Yeah, so?

Whitney:Never mind. What's the cure?

Moon:That'll be $50.

Whitney:_(desperate) _Anything you want!

Moon:Here it is: alcohol.

Whitney:What? But that just makes it worse!

Moon:No, listen! Whenever your head starts to hurt, just drink more until you can't feel the headache any more! Works like a charm every time!

Billy:_(pokes head in)_ Did you get the glasses?

Whitney:Who's that? It sounds like that lazy punk, Billy What's-his-face that I fired yesterday. Boy, if I ever see that bum again, I'll kick his butt from here to Kazakhstan!

Moon:Naw, it's just the seagull.

Billy:Yep. I'm just a seagull. Wrawk!

Whitney:Okay! Off to the bar! _(stands up again and falls out the window)_ Whoa! This ain't the bar! _(wind and snow blow in, forming a large pile of snow on Whitney's floor)_

Billy:Moon! What's going on? Why is it snowing outside?

Moon:Well, I was trying to turn the ship to the Caribbean, but I must have screwed up and turned the ship toward the Arctic instead. _(talking to himself)_ I was sure that the Caribbean was south-north? Or was it far weestern? _(glances at Billy apologetically)_ Sorry.

Billy:No, this is great! All I have to do is kill off Annabelle and…

Evie:_(pokes head in through porthole)_ Evelyn, chaps! _(exit)_

Billy:Whatever, and then I just need to find a taxicab and Hope and I will live happily ever after until the end of time!

Moon:A taxicab? _(shakes head. He doesn't get it)_ But what if the captain sees you and thinks you're Snake Eyes Johnson?

Billy:The captain's always drunk anyway. It'll be easy to hide from him and now that Whitney's gone…

Moon:What about the first mate?

Billy:Why would anyone think I'm Snake Eyes Johnson?

Moon:Umm…_(Billy turns around to show a big hand-written sign on his back that says "I'm Snake Eyes Johnson! Kick me!" Several of the letters are backwards or written incorrectly, but you can still read it)_

1st Mate:_(entering randomly)_ Hey! You're Snake Eyes Johnson!

Billy:What? No!

1st Mate:I'll get you, Snake Eyes Johnson! _(they run around the room in a circle as Moon sits on the bed and watches with amusement. He magically produces a bucket of popcorn)_

Bonnie:Hey, I've got a disguise for you, Snake Eyes! I mean…Billy! _(she plops a sailor hat on his head and both guys stop running)_

1st Mate:Where'd he go! Where did that rapscallion go?

Billy:I think he went out in the hall.

1st Mate:Tally-ho! _(runs away)_

Moon:Wow, Bonnie, that disguise is great! Where'd you get it?

Bonnie:Oh, just from the sailor I was making dirty, dirty love with in the supply closet. _(all laugh, then Moon stops)_

Moon:Hey!


	5. Act 5, Scene 5 Heaven Hop

**Scene 5**

Bonnie:_(dressed as a sailor with a train of other girls dressed as sailors, too)_ Hey, girls, wanna dance?

Girls:Uh, okay!

Sailor 1:Why are you girls dressed as sailors?

Sailor 2:And why are you going to dance? Is there a point?

Bonnie:To answer your questions: A) Because sailors are dead sexy, B) We're dancing because we can, dammit! And 3) there is no point to anything! We're existentialists! _(girls commence dancing)_


	6. Act 1, Scene 6 Billy's Disguises

**Scene 6**

Billy:_(enters, still wearing the sailor hat)_ Wow, this disguise is great! No one will recognize me now!

Reno:Hey, Billy. What's up?

Billy:D'oh!

Reno:Are you supposed to be a sailor? You're not very believable.

Billy:Well, no one else recognizes me. See?

1st Mate:Where is that gangster guy?

Moon:Billy? Where are you? _(looks under his foot. Billy takes off his hat and Moon recognizes him)_ Hey! There you are!

1st Mate:You! I've got you now! _(Billy shrieks and they run in circles again. Quite comical, actually.)_

Reno:So, Moon. What's up with Billy?

Moon:How do we know each other? I've never seen you before in my life!

Reno:Just go with it!

Moon:_(shrugs)_ Okay. I accidentally steered the ship to the North Pole and…

Reno:Really? It's not even that cold! _(a pile of fake snow falls from the rafters and lands on Reno) _Oh, okay. Now, I'm cold. Go on.

Moon:Thank you. So we're all cold and…

Reno:Dammit! All I've got packed is skanky cocktail dresses!

Moon:You wanna shut up? Geez! Okay. Billy is trying to get his girlfriend, Hope, over yonder _(Hope, Mrs. H. and Evie enter, all arm in arm and beaming cheesily)_

Reno:Who? The old lady?

Moon:Who do you think, moron? Can I finish?

Billy:Yeah, let him talk! I'm getting sick of running!

1st Mate:Ah'm gonna git yew!

Moon:And that guy thinks Billy is Snake Eyes Johnson.

Reno:Billy! You never told me you were an evil, murdering, thieving gansta-man! _(attracted to him)_

Billy:I'm not! _(Reno pouts, disappointed)_

Moon:So we need disguises for poor Bobby.

Billy:Billy!

Moon:Whatever.

Mrs. H.:Do you guys, like, need us or can we go?

Hope:Yeah, my feet hurt.

Evie:"My feet hurt!" Priceless! _(writes in his notebook. Hope eyes him nervously)_

Moon:Hang on; we're almost done.

Reno:C'mon. We'll put him in one of my dresses. _(puts Billy's hat back on and 1st Mate stops chasing him. He wanders offstage, perplexed. Reno grabs Billy's hand and drags him offstage, Moon following)_

Mrs. H.:At last! Time for the Bertha Matilda Hortense Harcourt Show!

Chorus:_(in 80's outfits)_ Bomont? Where the hell is Bomont?

Hope:Sorry, guys. Wrong show.

Evie:"Bomont"! Oh my, that's smashing! _(scribbles furiously in notebook)_ Today was a great day for my slang collection!

Chorus:_(mumble to each other, then shout)_ Hortense? What the hell kind of name is Hortense?

Mrs. H.:Shut up! I TAP! _(lights go out and curtain closes abruptly)_ Hey!


	7. Act 1, Scene 7 Friendship

**Scene 7**

Moon:Wow, that last scene was short! We're making good time!

Reno: Come on out, Billy! No one will recognize you now!

Billy:_(offstage)_ I don't wanna!

Reno:BILLY! You come out here right now, mister, or I'll put you in a time-out!

Billy:Aww! _(comes out dressed in a sparkly pink dress)_ Guys! Do I have to wear this? It's so embarrassing!

Moon:Come on, dude! Like Reno said, no one will recognize you!

Hope:Billy! What are you wearing?

Billy:_(to Moon and Reno)_ No one will recognize me, eh? _(they shrug apologetically)_

Hope: I don't think I can love a man who wears women's clothes, Billy. _(starts to exit)_

Billy:Wait! What if I put on some pants?

Hope:_(considers this, then)_ Meet me at the lifeboat in half an hour. (s_links off. Billy does a victory move)_

Reno:So you've got your girl, eh?

Billy:No thanks to you.

Moon:But what about her fiancée, Ruth?

Evie:_(pops in from some random place)_ Evelyn, please! _(exits)_

Moon:Yeah, sure. Whatever. What about him?

Reno:_(seductively)_ Leave him to me. _(adjusts her bosom seductively)_

Billy:Aw thanks, Reno! Y'know, I feel a song coming on!

"Friendship"

Moon:_(music starts up, then) _Crap. Guys, I don't know this song. _(whips out his script and studies the lines)_

Reno:_(shrugs)_ Me neither.

Billy:Why the hell not? Didn't you guys go to rehearsals?

Reno:I was busy.

Moon:There were rehearsals?

Billy:_(sighs heavily)_ Okay. You guys share a script. And do it right! This is the only good song in the show. _(Moon and Reno mock him until he turns to look at them, glaring)_

"Friendship" (for real, this time)

Reno:If you're ever in a jam, here I am!

Moon:What kind of jam?

Reno:Raspberry! _(both giggle)_

Billy:_(whiny)_ Guys! Take this seriously!

Moon:If they ever shoot you in the head, I'll…well, honestly, I'll run away screaming and hide in Venezuela.

All:That's friendship! Friendship! Just the perfect…

Billy:Blendship! Hey guys, why'd you stop singing?

Reno:Blendship isn't a word.

Moon:This says I have to shake my butt. I'll have you know that Moonface Martin shakes his butt for no man!

Reno:No, really. Billy, did you write this?

Cole:No, I did.

All:_(gasp and cower in fear)_ Cole Porter!

Cole:Damn straight! I'm sick a y'all messing with my song! I did not resist criticism of my peers and survive being crushed by a horse to watch you imbeciles destroy my greatest work! Now, do it right, or I'll beat you with my cane!

Billy:Mr. Porter! I tried to tell them, but…

Cole:Silence! You are just as bad, Mr…Mr…Mr. What's-his-face! Are you wearing a dress?

Billy:_(dejected)_ Yes, sir.

Reno:_(proudly)_ It's my dress!

Cole:Keep up the good work, son. And stop whining! _(exits)_

Moon:Okay, uh _(trying to get the beat)_ uh, re-mem-ber! _(other two join in)_

All:A man's best friend is his, man's best friend is his, man's best friend is his…_(piles of snow fall on all three. They stop singing, look at each other, and slink offstage)_

Reno:I hate snow! _(blackout)_


	8. Act 1, Scene 8 Hot Pants

**Scene 8**

Evie:Brrr! It's cold. Good thing I'm wearing these extremely sexy purple paisley pajama pants! _(try saying that three times fast)_

Reno:_(bursts in slutty-like)_ Evelyn! You're a sexy beast and I want to make dirty love to you!

Evie:_(excited, like little kid-excited, not horny-excited)_ "Dirty love"! Smashing, simply fabulous! _(writes in his notebook)_

Reno:Shut up and kiss me! _(rips dress)_

Evie:Do I know you? _(catches Reno as she jumps on him)_

Moon:Hey! Hands off the lady!

Evie:_(tosses Reno to Moon)_ You can have her, Vicar! This is too PG-13 for me!

Moon:Oh no, please! I'm with Bonnie! _(thinks, adds)_ Sometimes.

Reno:Evie, please! I've got hot pants for you!

Evie:Hot pants? I don't understand.

Reno:Just tell me you have hot pants for me, Evie, or I won't be complete!

Evie:Erm, uh…that is…what is "hot pants", Vicar?

Moon:God, you're an idiot!

Evie:Did you just take the Lord's name in vain?

Reno:_(aside to Moon)_ Here, put this in his tea. I'll take care of him. _(slips him a vial)_ Evie! I love you! Drink some tea!

Evie:I'm really not thirsty…

Moon:Drink it!

1st Mate:What's going on in here? _(gasps loudly and points in an over-exaggerated manner at Reno's torn dress, the vial in Moon's hand, and Evie's purple pants)_

Evie:What can I do for you, chap?

1st Mate:Wow, this is awkward…

Bonnie:_(enters with a sailor and a bottle of booze) _Moonie, guess who I made friends with…Moonie! What're you doing?

1st Mate:Moonie? You're the Bishop, aren't you?

Moon:Can you see the hat? Of course I am! And…now, I've got to…uh, go bless something! Bye! _(sprints offstage with Bonnie trailing behind)_

1st Mate:_(to the sailor) _You there! Go swab something! _(they exit)_

Evie:So…Reno.

Reno:So…Evelyn. It's been a blast.

Evie:Yeah! We should do it again sometime.

Reno:Okay. Uh, bye. _(exits)_

Evie:_(stares at his pants)_ Perhaps these pants are _too_ sexy? What awesome power have I discovered? Oooh… _(blackout)_


	9. Act 1, Scene 9 I Get A Kick

_You know, you don't realize how short these scenes are until you break them off into chapters…Well, anyway, I hope that whoever is reading this is enjoying it! Act I is almost over! Yay! Please R&R, whoever you are! I'm lonely for reviews!_

**Scene 9**

_(Angels are talking to Bonnie, teaching their "moves". Reno enters)_

Bonnie:Hey, Reno! Can I join your Angels? It sounds like a total trip!

Reno:I dunno… Can you be slutty?

Bonnie:Are you kidding? _(attacks a passing sailor)_ Hey. _(growls sexily)_ I'm not wearing anything under this dress.

Sailor:Oh, boy! _(they run off)_

Reno:_(yelling to her)_ You're in! _(to her Angels)_ Girls, I'm gonna tell you a story.

Angel 1:Oh, it's story time with Reno! _(Angels pull out pillows, blankets, and teddy bears)_

Angel 2:We're ready!

Angel 3:What's the story, Reno?

Angel 4:Yeah, tell us, Mommy! I mean Reno!

Reno:Last night, I almost made dirty love to a spastic British man.

Angel 3:Ooo! Details!

Reno:Actually, that was all I had to say.

Angel 1:Oh…_(disappointed)_

Reno:But you know what I'm going to do when we land?

Angel 2:Sell your body on the street corner?

Angel 4:Eat bonbons off a silver platter?

Angel 3:Make dirty love to that spastic British man?

Reno:No! I'm going shoe shopping.

Angels:Ooo! Shoes!

"I Get A Kick out of Shoes"

Reno:Nothing turns me on like a pair of good shoes. I don't get high, flying in a plane makes me sick, men just can't make me horny, 'cause I'm a skank and I've slept with all of them anyway. Oh, I get a kick out of shoes!


	10. Act 1, Scene 10 Everything Snows!

**Scene 10**

Billy:Moon, I'm not sure how much longer I can take this sailor thing.

Moon:Why's that, Billy? It can't be that bad.

Billy:Hope hates me 'cause she thinks I shouldn't be pretending to be someone else so I can stalk her and mess with Evelyn's head.

Moon:I'm sure Hope doesn't hate you.

Billy:Wanna bet?

Hope:Billy! I hate you! You don't take anything seriously! All you do is impersonate soldiers and seagulls, make Evelyn seasick and talk to skanks and to this loser! _(points to Moon, who is doing something completely idiotic with his gun. He hides it sheepishly. She sighs exasperatedly and leaves)_

Billy:So Hope hates me, Bonnie follows me everywhere because she thinks I'm a sailor, the first mate thinks I'm Snake Eyes Johnson, and it's freakin' cold! _(piles of snow fall on both guys)_ Why won't it stop snowing!

Moon:Dude, we're in the North Pole. What else is it supposed to do here?

Billy:It could rain lemon drops and gumdrops.

Chorus:Oh, what a world it would be! _(exit)_

Reno:_(shivering in her cocktail dress)_ Hey, guys! Guess what? It's cold!

Guys:No! _(heavy sarcasm)_

Reno:Fine, so you already know. Here's some more news: Snake Eyes Johnson is onboard.

Moon:Reno, the first mate thinks Billy is Snake Eyes. The Real Snake Eyes is…uh…somewhere else.

Reno:Is that so? Well, look who I found in my cabin last night!_ (pulls Snake Eyes Johnson on)_

SEJ:Hey, Moonface! Wazzup, pal?

Moon:Snake Eyes! How'd you get on? I gave your passport to Billy!

SEJ:Snake Eyes Johnson doesn't need a passport! No international regulations can hold him! _(strikes a superhero pose; Reno bats eyes at him)_

Reno:Isn't he just dreamy?

Billy:_(nervously eyeing SEJ, who is flexing and posing)_ Dreamy isn't the word I'd use.

1st Mate:_(holding notepad)_ After making a list of every person on the ship, cross-indexing the names with height, shoe size and favorite color and comparing mug shots with profiles, I've deduced who Snake Eyes Johnson is disguised as. You! _(points at Reno. She moves his hand to point at Billy)_

Billy:Reno!

1st Mate:Ah-ha! I've finally got you, SNAKE EYES JOHNSON!

_(entire cast enters)_

Chorus:_(dressed as hippies)_ Snake Eyes Johnson!

Woman 1:Hey, has anybody else noticed that we've said "Snake Eyes Johnson" ten times already in just this scene?

Man 1:But he's a gangster!

Woman 2:And gangsters are sexy! _(girls giggle in agreement)_

Billy:Wait, you guys aren't going to arrest me?

1st Mate:Yes, we are! You're a dangerous criminal!

Woman 1:Oooh, he's dangerous!

Woman 3:Uh-huh!

Woman 4:You touch him and we'll throw you overboard, Mr. First Mate!

1st Mate:But…

Woman 2:Go! You aren't wanted! _(1st Mate leaves, grumbling)_

Man 2:But wait! This guy doesn't look like Snake Eyes Johnson! He looks like a sailor!

Chorus:Hey, yeah!

Billy:Well, if I'm not going to get arrested, then… _(switches hats with the real SEJ)_

Reno:_(double-takes)_ Wow! You can't even recognize him!

Billy:Yay! Now I'm popular!

Man 2:To the bar to celebrate the arrival of a bloodthirsty, murdering criminal to our humble ship!

All:Whoo-hoo! _(all crowd around him and they go offstage, cheering)_

Hope:Oh, now what? I love Billy, but now I've got competition! I wish I hadn't complained when he was still a sailor! But now I'm dating a gangster!

Bonnie:Trust me, honey. It's totally worth it! _(they exit arm in arm to the bar)_

Evie:_(has a flower in his hair and is wearing hippie sunglasses) _Where's Hopie-Wopie-Poo? I really wanted to read her my new American slang! _(reads)_ "Groovy!", "Flower Power!" and "Far Out!" Oh, that makes me laugh! _(exit. Moon and Reno are left onstage alone)_

Moon:This does not bode well!

Reno:What?

Moon:Well, see, Billy is creating a bigger lie about himself and…

Reno:No, did you just say "bode"? _(Moon nods)_ Okay, now that's just wrong. You need to get smashed. Go now so I can sing my song.

Moon:Yippie! Alcohol! _(runs offstage)_

"Everything Snows"

Reno:Seasons change and we've often rewound the clock since the Puritans got a shock when they froze to death on Plymouth Rock. And today, what a shock we've got; 'stead of landing in old New York, we're in Ant-arc-tic-aaaaaa!

In olden days in freezing weather, they'd wear boots made of leather and that goes to show everything snows! Play writers too, who once produced good shows now sit around and pick their nose and it shows everything snows! The world is so cold today and young's old today and dry's wet today and right's left today and most games you play that no one tried yesterday, all happen in the snow. So, though I'm not an Eskimo dancer, I know that you're bound to answer when I say so, "Everything snows!" _(chorus comes in, still dressed as hippies)_

Chorus:Time, time, time, look what you've done to me… _(they start singing "Hazy Shade of Winter" by Simon and Garfunkel)_

Reno:_(looks up and down at them)_ Well, close enough. _(shrugs)_

All:And the sky is a hazy shade of winter! Everything snows!

**Act 1 Fin**


	11. Act 2, Scene 1 Step Out, Gabriel!

**Act 2 Now**

**Scene 1**

"Public Enemy #1"

Chorus:_(dressed as cheerleaders) _Snake Eyes Johnson, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can! No one can arrest him…

Girls:'Cause he is so fine! And I really want him, I'm gonna make him mine! Rah rah rah! _(look at each other)_ Hey.

Chorus:_(shrug)_ Way to go Public Enemy #1! _(all execute some kind of cheerleading routine, if possible, they do that throwing people into the air thing)_

Bonnie:Hi, everybody!

All:Hi, Bonnie!

Bonnie:Your song is lame! Let's sing a better one!

All:Groan!

"Let's Step Out/Let's Get Drunk"

Bonnie:Let's celebrate, 'cause we've got an axe murderer on board! Let's get drunk, wouldn't that be de-lovely?

All:What? _(confused looks at each other)_ Let's get drunk, let's get drunk… _(kickline offstage to bar, except Billy)_

_(Reno, Captain, SEJ, and Moon enter to join Billy)_

Captain:_(dressed as Luke Skywalker)_ Snake Eyes Johnson, are you ready to turn away from the Dark Side?

SEJ:_(dressed as Darth Vader)_ Billy, join the Dark Side! Don't underestimate the Force, Billy!

Captain:No! Leave him alone, Darth Vader! He's on the good side now!

SEJ:You'd think so, wouldn't you? Luke, I am your father!

Captain:_(gasp) _NOOOOOOOO! _(sobs)_ NOOOOOO! _(makes a disgusted face) _Wait, that's impossible. I'm older than you! _(sobs some more)_ NOOOOOOOOOOO! _(crawls in a ball and cries like a baby)_

SEJ:AHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAAHA! Bwahaha…haha…ha…heh heh…all right. You can stop crying now.

Reno:Billy, the only way you can get the First mate to stop chasing you is to tell everyone that you've converted to religion.

Billy:How hard can that be?

Moon:I'm running the service.

Billy:Oh…

Reno:All right, well, here goes! Is everybody ready? _(chorus enters in swimming suits of all kinds)_

Chorus:Yeah!

Reno:_(eyes chorus warily, but shrugs)_

Moon:All right! It's time to confess your sins! Come on, sinners! I know you're out there!

Chorus:_(scared)_ Mumble-mumble….

Billy:This isn't working.

Reno:Moonie, you're scaring the creepy passengers!

Ching:You hear that?

Ling:Skanky whore called us creepy!

Reno:Why, I oughta!

Moon:Come on, Reno! We've got to do the service!

Reno:Oh, all right. Chorus people aren't worth it anyway. Ah, well, I guess I have to sing a song now.

"Blow Gabriel Blow"

_(trumpet sound)_

Reno:Do ya hear that playin'?

_(trumpet again, seemingly coming from nowhere)_

Chorus:Yes, we hear that playin'!

_(trumpet again)_

Reno:Do you know who's playin'?

Chorus:No, who is that playin'?

Reno:Why, it's Gabriel, Gabriel…

Woman 1:No, it's not! It's this guy! _(pulls aside a curtain to reveal a guy in a clown costume playing the trumpet)_ Is your name Gabriel?

Guy:No, it's Jeff.

Woman 1:See? Not Gabriel. You can't sing about Gabriel. So there.

Reno:Ooookay…so it's Jeff! Jeff playin'! Jeff! Jeff sayin', "Will you be ready to go when I blow my horn?"

Jeff:Is that what I'm saying? I thought I was saying, "Why am I in a clown costume?" Why _am _I in a clown costume?

Reno:Will you shut up! Blow, Jeff, blow! Oh, blow, Jeff, blow! I used to be a scamp and a skank, and I still am so don't follow my example or youll all end up in Hell, so blow, Jeff, blow! _(spoken really fast to fit in the allotted music)_

Moon:_(he and Billy are standing to one side, watching with interest)_ This is great, Billy! I've never been to church before!

Billy:Moon, this isn't really what church is like. First of all, no one wears swimsuits…

Moon:Shut up and watch, man!

Reno:Oh, you all are horrible sinners, all killing people and stealing dinners, so Jeff says shape up or suffer eternal torment!

Jeff:Nuh-uh! I say…

Reno:PLAY, DAMMIT!

Chorus:_(all kind of scared of Reno and her hell-raising)_ Blow, Jeff, blow! Oh, blow, Jeff, blow! We're all apparently evil and doomed to Hell, so play your horn to cheer us up! Blow, Jeff, blow!

Billy:_(to Moon)_ is it just me or is this song kinda kinky?

Moon:Nah, it's all in your head. Just watch. _(chorus dances)_

Billy:Moon, this dancing and stuff makes me think…

Moon:Uh-oh!

Billy:Maybe Hope's right. I should admit I'm not the real Snake Eyes Johnson.

Chorus:_(freezes in horror)_ What?

Woman 1:You mean you're not a blood-thirsty axe-murderer?

Billy:Nope, sorry.

Man 1:What about chainsaws? Have you ever killed anybody with a chainsaw?

Billy:I've never killed anybody before.

Chorus:_(gasp)_

Billy:I stole a candy bar once from the gas station. Oh, but then I went back and paid for it later…

Man 2:Well, we've got to have some kind of axe-murdering, chainsaw-wielding, murderous maniac on board! What other reason can we use to get drunk?

Chorus:Yeah! Alcohol! Crazy axe-and-butcher-cleaver-murderer! Ad-libbing!

SEJ:Hey now! I've done a lot of things, but I never killed anyone with an axe! Or a butcher cleaver! Although that's a good idea…

Woman 2:Who are you?

SEJ:I'm Snake Eyes Johnson!

Man 3:Yeah, right! Can you prove it?

SEJ:No.

Man 1:Good enough for me!

Woman 1:To the bar!

All:Yeah! _(Chorus lifts SEJ onto their shoulders and storms off to the bar, chatting about liquor and murder. We, as writers are a little frightened)_

Reno:Billy! What did you do? I was just getting warmed up and you scare off my crowd!

1st Mate:You there! What's your name!

Billy:Billy…

1st Mate:Billy What's-his-face!

Billy:Yeah! How'd you know?

1st Mate:Quiet, boy! You're under arrest!

Moon:For what?

1st Mate:For impersonating an axe murderer! You! _(points to Moon)_ You're under arrest, too!

Moon:Why?

1st Mate:_(still yelling)_ I have no idea! You! _(points to Reno)_

Reno:I know, I'm under arrest for being a skank?

1st Mate:No! I just wanted to say "Great sermon!" Now I _know_ I'm going to Hell! _(slaps handcuffs on Billy and Moon and leads them off, whistling "Blow, Jeff, Blow".)_

Reno:_(shrugs)_ That was weird. Now I've got nothing to do… I know! I'll go seduce Evie again! _(runs off, giggling like a little girl)_

Jeff:_(is alone onstage)_ Aw, now what? I'm stuck on this stupid boat in a clown costume! I'm so bored! _(pile of snow falls on Jeff_) This is just great! _(lights go out)_

_Okay, this scene requires explanation. The names that aren't from the show from here on out (besides Jeff) are all members of the chorus when we did Anything Goes!; that's why you don't recognize them. Just a note. Hope this is good, cuz I'm not in the mood to proofread! Hah!_


	12. Act 2, Scene 2 Let's Misbehave

**Scene 2**

Cole:Hello, folks! It's me, Cole Porter! After watching this show so far, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. I'd like to apologize for the show so far and I promise from now on, it'll be good. _I'll _ be directing.

Reno:Wait, what do you mean you'll be directing? We're doing great! We don't need your help!

_(Captain and SEJ run out in full Star Wars regalia. They whip out light sabers, fight for a while, then are chased off by the chorus in heavy-metal-big-hair-band outfits. Cole gives Reno a look)_

Reno:Okay, never mind. I see what you mean. _(exits. Cole Porter wheels his chair offstage and Reno enters with Evie this time)_

Evie:Ah, what a chipper night!

Reno:You know what it's perfect for?

Evie:No, what?

Reno:_(seductively)_ Misbehaving!

"Let's Misbehave"

Evie:Oh, I don't know, Reno! I'm engaged to…to…what was her name again?

Reno:See? Who cares? Time to sing! Birds and bears have love affairs; they're animals; they're animals and so are we, so let's misbehave!

Evie:You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel! _(they kiss and run offstage)_

Cole:You know what? This show is a lost cause. I'm going to go and write a good play. I'll call it, "Kiss Me, Kate" and if these fools try to perform it, I'll sue them! Good luck, y'all! _(exit)_

Mrs. H.:Hey! It's not copyright infringement unless you can prove it in court! "Everything shows is so unique and different! I dare you to sue us! You crazy composer! Come back and fight me like a man! I'll sic my lawyers on you! I'll…

Whitney:_(fall-down drunk) _My dear…hic…lady! Could you kindly direct me to the bar?

Mrs. H.:_(attracted to him)_ But of course! _(mouths "Oh, yeah!" to the audience and drags Whitney off, as he has passed out cold)_


	13. Act 2, Scene 3 In the Brig

**Scene 3**

Ching:Konnichi-wa, American-type people! We in jail!

Ling:Why? We not know.

Ching:Has something to do with gambling the pants off everybody on ship!

Ling:Not our fault no one else can play Blackjack!

Ching:Word!

Ling:This next scene our scene! We decide to sing a song for you before criminal guys steal spotlight!

Ching:They always do that!

Ling:So here the Chinese song! Go!

"The Chinese Song"

Both:La la la…we are from Indochina!

Ling:Indoor China?

Ching:Indochina!

Ling:Outdoor China?

Ching:Vietnam!

Both:We eat rice with chopsticks, but we're not stereotypes.

Ling:I am short!

Ching:And I am tall!

Both:La la la la la! The End !

Moon :Hey, Chinese kids! We're gonna gamble to steal your clothes!

Chinese:Okay.

Billy:But we're going to do it all subtle-like so you won't realize we're gambling your clothes away.

Chinese:Okay. _(Moon shuffles cards)_

Moon:And we're going to cheat, too.

Chinese:Okay. _(Moon deals the cards, dealing from the bottom and looking at every card before he gives it to the Chinese. He picks which cards he wants and gives the Chinese "junk". The Chinese win the hand. Deal again. Chinese win again.)_

…Later…

_(Moon and Billy are in their underwear and hats. Chinese are wearing random bits of their clothing all in the wrong way. Think pants on the head or something)_

Billy:All right, we forfeit!

Ching:We lose?

Ling:We no lose; we win! $300!

Billy:But we really need your clothes!

Ching:You no fit in our clothes!

Ling:You too fat!

Moon:Hey!

Chinese:_(run off laughing)_

Moon:How did they get out of here?

Billy:_(shrugs)_ Magic?

Moon:_(seriously considers this, then) _Nah. Where'd they find the Twinkies to generate the magical escape force field?

Billy:What!

Hope:Billy, I love you!

Moon:Hey, where'd you come from?

Hope:Uh…somewhere else?

Moon:Okay. _(plays with his cards)_

Billy:Hope! I love you, too! Let's sing a song about it!

"All Through the Night"

Billy:Lalalala!

Hope:Mimimi!

Moon:Sosososo!

Billy & Hope:Hey!

Moon:Sorry

Billy:I think about you all the time because I'm an obsessed stalker!

Hope:Oh, Billy! Really?

Billy:A-yup! _(they kiss)_

Moon:_(watches them, making faces)_

Billy & Hope:_(still kissing)_

Moon:All right, you have to leave now. _(gets up and pushes Hope away)_

Hope:Wait, why?

Moon:It's time for my solo!

Billy & Hope:Oh, God!

Moon:Shut up! _(gives Hope one last shove and she skids offstage. SFX: shattering glass and yowling cat_)

Hope:_(offstage)_ I think I broke something important! Like my head! Ouchies!

Billy:Moon! You broke my girlfriend!

Moon:Ah, she'll get over it. _(clears throat)_ Everything may seem like it sucks right now, but just be like the bluebird and don't worry and it'll be all good! Tra-la-la-la-la-laaaaaaa!

Billy:What are you saying? That I'm a bird? And you call that singing?

Moon:You got anything else to say?

Billy:Yeah. How're we gonna get out of jail?

Ching:Hey, fat gangster man! You in jail! We not!

Moon:You…I'm gonna get you!

Ling:You no get us! You stuck in jail!

Billy:Hey, you guys! We're pals, right?

Ching:Wrong! We no like you!

Billy:Yeah, but my girlfriend's gonna marry that dweeby British guy! Can you help us?

Chinese:_(confer in whispers)_

Ling:Maybe. What you give us?

Moon:What do you want?

Ching:We want cash! Fork it over!

Moon:We don't have any cash! You guys took it all!

Ling:Too bad for you! _(exit)_

Billy:Look, this scene is going on too long and I've got to go marry Hope before Stephanie does.

Evie:_(popping out from behind scenery) _Evelyn, chaps!

Billy:Whatever. Moon, we've got to do something.

Moon:Okay, I've got an idea. It's crazy, but it just might work. Ready for it?

Billy:Yeah.

Moon:Follow me. _(he hesitantly steps over the scenery for the jail and is in another spotlight. Billy does the same.)_ Ha! It worked!

Billy:You mean it was that easy? Why didn't we do that before?

Bonnie:Because you're stupid! Now hurry up before Hope marries Evelyn and the world explodes!

Billy:Explodes?

Moon:Don't question it. Let's go! _(run off one side, then come back sheepishly and exit the other way)_


	14. Act 2, Scene 4 Finale

**Scene 4**

Mrs. H:I love forced marriages, don't you?

Hope & Evie:No.

Mrs. H.:Well you aren't the overbearing, oppressive mother in this equation, are you? When you're broke and you want to marry your kids off to get money for yourself, you can force them to marry any old dweeb you want.

Captain:_(dressed as John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever")_ Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to give our last respects to Evelyn Whatchamacallit.

Evie:What!

Captain:Haha! Just kidding! That comes later!

Moon:_(dressed like a Chinese person)_ Hold it right there, Mr. Man Called Charlotte!

Evie:It's Evelyn! What do I have to do to get you to call me by my name?

Moon:Give me all your money!

Evie:Well, I've only got $300,000 on me right now…

Moon:That good enough! _(snatches money away and stuffs it down his shirt)_

Billy:Moving on! You no get married!

Evie:I'm not? Hooray!

Billy:You a man-whore! Impregnate little sister when you in China!

Moon:Something about sow-ee wild oats!

All:_(cringe)_ Eeeeew!

Evie:Huh?

Reno:Hey, play along, baby.

Evie:Oh! I see!

Mrs. H.:Ha! That can't be true! Evelyn is the picture of a well-behaved young man! He's practically a saint! They only want your money, Evie! Tell me they only want your money!

Evie:Nope, I'm afraid I really did "romp in the rice".

AllEeeew! Will you stop it!

Mrs. H.:Oh! _(swoons and passes out. Angels try to catch her, but miss and she falls onto the floor)_

Billy:Oh, well. I guess we don't need these costumes anymore.

Moon:Hey, where did we get these anyway?

Chinese:Hey!

Moon:We didn't steal them from these guys, did we?

Ling:No, you didn't.

Ching:And for future reference, we're not guys.

Ling:We're girls. And we're not Chinese, either.

Ching:We're from the FBI. Chorus mistreatment department.

Ling:We're here to start a revolution.

Ching:And my name is Mary.

Ling:And I'm Jane. So ha!

Leads:_(stare at them)_ Whatever…

Tobie: RRRRRR!

Korey:Argh!

Beth:We're not kidding.

Shane:We're coming to get you. _(pokes Billy with a mop)_

Cory:_(hisses like a cat)_

David:Vive la Revolution!

_(Lennon, McCartney, and Billy Joel wheel in on pianos and flats with their instruments)_

Musicians:Are you all ready?

Mary & Jane:Hit it!

"Revolution" _(Paul – Bass, John – Guitar, Billy Joel – Piano)_

John:Hey leads, this is a revolution

Well you know we're gonna steal the ship

You know that's the only solution

Which goes to show, you should love your chorus a bit

But when you kick them all around,

They're gonna throw you to the ground,

And it's not gonna be all right,

Yeah right, all right!

Paul:You say you'll make a contribution

Well too bad, it's a little late for that!

It's a chorus evolution

And you know the chorus knows where it's at

And if you think their costumes are so funny

You're gonna be losing a lot of money

Cause it's not gonna be all right

That's right, tonight!

Billy Joel:Don't think you'll join their Revolution,

Hey kid, you're gonna lose your head

We're gonna write a constitution

And you're gonna end up dead

Cause when you puttin' the chorus down

They're gonna kick your sorry asses out of town

Don't you know it won't be all right,

Yeah right, tonight!

All Three:Oh, yeah!

Mrs. H.:So let me get this straight. You lousy chorus people are going to take over the ship?

Mary:Well, actually, we just did. _(Mrs. H. looks down and sees herself all tied up by James. Chorus is jamming out to the lovely music of Lennon-McCartney & Billy Joel)_

Jane:Yeah, so now we're gonna steer this sucker someplace warm.

SEJ:Huh? You're not taking me back to America, are you?

Mary:Nah. Who wants another criminal in America?

Jane:We're dropping you off in Rio de Jainero.

SEJ:Yes!

Mary:Just kidding!

Jane:We're really arresting you.

Mary:You are an axe murderer, after all!

SEJ:But I never did most of those things!

Jane:Sure, right. Let's go, punk.

SEJ:Aw man! _(they exit)_

Billy:Oh, Hope! I love you!

Hope:Well, you're all right, but you'd better be willing to lay down some major cash for my exuberant lifestyle! I have to have at least one diamond ring a week or it's no deal!

Billy:Uh, we'll see about that…

Evie:I just had a thought!

Mrs. H.:No!

Billy:Sure!

Reno:An iceberg!

Hope:What?

Evie:No shit!

Reno:Yes!

Mrs. H.:Yes!

Evie:What?

Billy:Just do it!

Mrs. H.:I'm so scared!

Hope:I don't know…

Reno:Here's something peculiar.

Mrs. H:We're all gonna die!

Billy:No!

Mrs. H.:Yes!

Evie:Yes!

Hope:Sure!

Reno:What's going on?

Hope:Help me!

Evie:What do we do now?

Billy:Have you found anything?

Hope:No!

Mrs. H.:Yes!

Evie:Mice!

Reno:Oh, my God!

Moon:WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

All:_(whole cast)_ So though I'm not an Eskimo dancer, I know you're bound to answer when I say so, Everything Snows!_ (chorus is finally dressed in 30's outfits and all Charleston until the Bishop sprints on. He's dripping wet and has seaweed in his hair)_

Bish:Iceberg! Right ahead! _(all are silent for a moment, then shrug and continue dancing) _Don't you care?

James:No, not really!

Tobie:I've never been to the bottom of the ocean! _(huge crashing noise and lights go out. When they come back up, the lights are blue and everyone is still dancing. Bubble noises come on. This all implies that the ship is underwater.)_

All:Our boat sank just like the Titanic and now we're all dancing on the sand and that goes to show! Everything snows!

Mrs. H:Lemurs! _(Lights go out)_

_Yeah, the end made absolutely no sense, I know. Now that it's over, I can tell you. It's a _very_ subtle reference to Resident Evil: Outbreak and it's randomly generated phrases. I'm probably the only one who got that, but I was on a Resident Evil kick when we wrote this and that's just how it worked. Try reading it out loud with a bunch of friends, it's kind of funny! Maybe! Oh, whatever! I hope you liked Everything Snows! and maybe I'll get Feetlooze up one of these days… Thanks for reading!_

_Beth and Lyddia_


End file.
